I’m Scared

Lately the Doodles and Jots are not flowing so well.  You see, I am usually a “life is good” kind of person but lately I am more of a “life is scary” person.  

2 weeks ago my lip started twitching.  The next day my arms felt dead.  The day after that my arms and hands felt clumsy and like I had tourniquets wrapped around them.  That was when I got scared and went to the emergency room and got Ativan plus Lyme and metabolic tests (all negative).  Next came these same symptoms in my legs plus some numbness in my in my hands and feet, twitching, tingling and painful burning in my left forearm and shins.  Then came my primary care doctor and a neurologist.  Now I drop things and am afraid of falling especially in public.  All these symptoms went away about 80 percent for two days but have come back plus mouth and tongue clumsiness and limb tremors but minus the arm and shin pain.  I am waiting on more blood tests and the results of an MRI and in the meantime I am teetering between distracted bravery and sheer terror with sadness.  The sheer terror has me today with my new mouth symptoms.

Even though I can talk to my mother and sister and husband I know I am scaring them too.  The doctors and my family are telling me not to Google my symptoms.  My family is telling me not to worry because it doesn’t help.  What else can they say? What else can I do?

Related worries…  

  • Scaring my children
  • Making Christmas for my kids
  • Getting my freelance work done
  • My sister’s wedding in February

You know what…  

I really don’t want anyone to know because I am embarrassed.  I normally don’t think about vitality because I have always had it but now everyone has it and I feel less.

I also don’t want people to know because they don’t know what to say and I don’t want to put people in that awkward spot.

And you know what else…

I have had a fear of developing a degenerative illness for a while.  Is it because I started having incessant eye twitching 7 years ago or is it a psychic ability or did I cause it to happen with all my worry?

I know Doodles and Jots is not the place for heavy but I also know you care and might worry anyway if you were not seeing things pulled together here in the same way with the same frequency and plus I needed to talk about it and maybe someone could relate.

Whatever happens I think it will only temporarily dampen my “life is good” outlook.  I hope.  Thanks for listening.

Looking for an update? A little over a year and a half later I got answers.

Ann

I'm a practical mom inspired by nature & I enjoy sharing ideas that encourage kids' innate curiosity & creativity. Interested in subscribing? Check out the blue box at the top of my sidebar. I'm also a wannabe author/illustrator & product designer by day. Let's connect! doodlesandjots@hotmail.com. If you purchase through my Amazon links I get a small commission at no additional cost to you (thanks for supporting Doodles and Jots)! And remember to always credit your source here & elsewhere on the internet.

33 comments

  1. Wow, so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I’ll be thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way. Like your family says, I would try not to worry or think about it too much. That being said, if it were me I’m sure I would be thinking about it non-stop. Hang in there!
    Dollops of Diane recently posted..Happy Thanksgiving!My Profile

  2. Oh Ann. I too am sorry you’re going through this.
    Please know I’ll be praying for you. Don’t feel bad about posting this here .. we’re here for you when Life is Good . . and when Life is Scary. ‘Cause to be honest, it’s scary quite a lot of the time …

    Hugs.
    Larissa T. recently posted..A Mother’s Note.My Profile

  3. I do have a degenerative muscle disease, but I found that a certain medication that I was taking was actually exacerbating things. So, be aware of the meds you take, regardless for how long you have taken them. Mine had been doing me well forever, and then suddenly I wasn’t so well for months, when my neurologist said HEY! How long have you been taking THAT? Once discontinued, I got markedly better, quickly.

    I sincerely hope that you have answers that come with cures soon.

    • Thanks for stopping by Michelle and sharing your experience. I will definitely watch out for meds! I hope I get answers soon too. The not knowing can be scarier.

  4. Oh *HUGS*!!! I will be sending lots of thoughts your way. I hope you are able to solve this, and that they can help you to fix it soon.

    I can relate a tiny bit on the blog front. I suffer from severe depression and anxiety attacks and it sometimes effects my ability to get a blog post in. Especially since I try to only blog about joys and happy things, rather than to dwell in my depressed feelings. I used to feel i needed to apologize every time I skipped a day, but I have come to realize that if I just keep going, even if I miss a day here and there, loyal readers will always come back. You gotta have a real life too.

    I will be keeping you in my thoughts and hopeful for an update of good news in the future. Take good care of yourself! Sounds like you have a good partner and family to rely on. Good luck!
    Krista recently posted..The Day After ThanksgivingMy Profile

    • Thanks so much for your kind words and I will definitely share an update after this next MRI. For now I am feeling a little calmer as I adjust to the way I feel now. I can also relate to being depressed. I went through a very hard time with depression in my 20’s and I hope you have the support you need. Hugs, Krista!

  5. Ann: I do care. You have been so kind and nice to me since I started my blog, and I enjoy your work so much. I am glad you have been going to see what is happening so you can get the answers you need. I just said a prayer for you and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Write if you need anything.
    Winnie recently posted..Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone!My Profile

  6. i have that twitch too girl. like crazy the last two years. my eyes take turns.
    i’m not on any meds, my twitch may be stress related or physical intuition, who knows? maybe lack of sleep? i agree with Michelle look into what meds you’re taking. my oldest teen recently went to the hospital, we caught her condition before it damaged her kidneys. turns out it may have been caused by the claritin she had taken two days earlier. over the counter claritin. something she’s been taking for 6 years due to allergies.
    discuss all your meds with your docs girl. and dont google anything. there is a lot of crap out there.
    big hugs and luv to you my girlfriend.
    vanita recently posted..The Truth About Premium CommentluvMy Profile

    • I think my twitch is stress related too but the other things, there are just too many of them and they are too extreme. No meds but I am looking around to see if there are any environmental changes that might be related. Thanks Vanita and so glad your daughter is okay!

    • Thanks MaryAnne, this definitely has me questioning practically every move I make! Going for a second MRI this week hopefully I will get good news and relief soon : )

  7. *hugs*

    I’d feel scared, too, if I felt like my body was out of control and the doctors didn’t know what was going on.

    Here are some Bible verses I turn to when I’m afraid: Psalm 56:3, Matthew 6:34, and I Peter 5:7.

    After my dad died earlier this year, I found The Grief Recovery Handbook by James and Friedman very helpful. That book helped me work through the loss of my dad, but the recovery steps are also relevant for any loss, including loss of health. I pray your loss isn’t permanent, but even temporarily the radical changes you are encountering are a grief event. Grief, as defined in the handbook, is “the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior.”

    Thanks for telling us what’s going on. We do care about you!
    Elisa | blissfulE recently posted..a glimpse of Michael’s drum practiceMy Profile

  8. Annie – I love you. Never feel like you are burdening me or scaring me. Call me, come over anytime. You can’t possibly put a dent in me. I have superman strength for you whenever you need it.
    I haven’t experienced your particular symptoms, but I have had health events that were terror-invoking, truly. I definitely know what that “life is scary” feels like. Please lean on me. I know that I have leaned on you a lot in the past.

    You are a rock of strength. I know you feel shaky now, but know that that core of strength is there and it is bolstered by everyone around you.

    Let me know how I can help best.
    Love you sis!! You are truly the best sister and friend anyone could ask for!!!
    Good times, strength will be coming your way.
    Kris recently posted..Are You Tired and Don’t Even Know It?My Profile

  9. I’m so glad you shared with us. You need to be able to connect with people when things like this are going on. It sucks to not know what is going on in your own body; I so hope someone can figure it out soon. How are you faring with the ‘not Googling’ advice? Stay strong and know we’re all sending love and strength to you.
    Artchoo recently posted..Happy Turkey Day!My Profile

    • Thanks! I am really trying! It is hard to stay away from Google since I consider it the other half of my brain.

  10. So sorry to hear that. I hope everything turns out well! And that’s what blogging is also here for everyone – sometimes its easier to share such things with strangers, sometimes its easier to share it with family. Best wishes!
    Alexandra recently posted..Kids&petsMy Profile

  11. I’m a brand new reader but I’m glad I stopped by and was immediately made privy to this, it says a lot about you. I appreciate it and I’m sure your other readers do also.

    I have many many illnesses, some sporadic some constant. THE most important and helpful thing I have found is getting more than enough sleep. If my body says sleep, I do it. It’s made a huge difference in how I function. So, until you either get a diagnosis or this clears up take really good care of yourself. Sometimes we become so used to blessing others (and we love it) that we forget to let others bless us in turn.

    I will be on the sidelines reading and pulling for you.
    Chrissy La fountain recently posted..On a Feeding Frenzy and Being BadassMy Profile

    • Thanks Chrissy, you are so right about having an easier time giving. Thanks for stopping by and thanks for your kind words : ) I wish you relief from your illnesses.

  12. Oh my how did I miss this post??? I am so sorry you’re going through all this and I’m thinking of you and praying you’ll get answers and relief. Please keep us informed. Hope you feel the internet hugs I’m sending your way.

  13. I am sorry you are going through this. It does sound scary, but I hope you’ve had it checked out and all is well!
    Big Cyber Hugs to you!!

  14. How the hell did I miss this post? Oh Ann! I am keeping you in my thoughts, and I think this is a great place to share this stuff. Knowing you we’re going to learn a lot about whatever it is and how it works, and that’s a good thing. I’m going to go read the update post. Lots of love to you! xoxo
    Tiffanie recently posted..homemade mexican hot chocolate tabletsMy Profile

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